Tetzaveh: Centering Connection
Torah at the Intersection/Building a Sanctuary with Connection at the Center
The video describes how, in this week’s Torah portion, Tetzaveh, the ancient nomadic society-in-formation stops to re-center itself in connection. This is how Torah envisions a cohesive and inclusive path to a new social order, built with generous and wise hearts, in which all the people answer the call to participate in elevating the collective consciousness by building and maintaining a sanctuary in their own hearts and society.
The verses of detailed instructions for centering the holy sanctuary in their midst illuminates for us how our daily actions are rituals that determine our contribution to the continuing work of creation. The Hassidic masters and Buddhist teachers alike say to us, you are your actions, your actions are your true belongings. May your actions elevate the hearts and minds of whoever they touch.
Nonviolent Communication Exercise
Connection at the Heart of Communication
Connection is often said to be the foundational principle of Nonviolent Communication.
Self Connection First!
Let’s say you want to try a nonviolent communication with someone. The methodology of NVC is to begin by connecting to yourself in the process we call self empathy. How do you feel and what are the needs of yours generating the feelings as you prepare for the conversation? We pause to connect with the feelings and needs of ours that are leading us into choosing to communicate in this way. How do you feel as you consider this communication? It can be helpful to use this chart to identify your feelings. What is important to you about choosing to engage in communication with them? Use this chart to identify a few needs you want to meet. Take a few moments to feel your feelings and fill your heart with the energy of these needs, how much you want a communication, and relationships and the world filled with them.
Choose Connection Before Correction
Now take a few moments or longer to consider, what is the approach, the strategy I want to try, to meet the needs I have identified? What will create the quality of connection so that the message I deliver is the message the other person can receive?
Observation: There are many approaches. If my need is connection, its advisable to approach the person and ask if this is a good time to speak about the specific topic. Take a few minutes or more to come up with a description of the topic that 1. refrains from any blame toward the other person or shame from you and, 2. describes with less than 40 words without judging exactly what the topic is. This is your observation that you use to approach and connect.
For example, Is this a good time to talk about the encounter we had yesterday about our vacation plans?
If the person says, yes, make sure you trust their yes- they are giving it freely, and then thank them for giving it freely!
Feeling: It is advisable to begin by sharing your own feelings vulnerably, rather than asking them to share vulnerably first. So you could say something like, I feel sad and disappointed that we didn’t talk about this in a way that works for both of us.
Need: I want both of us to participate and trust that our needs matter!
Request/Strategy: Can we sit together right now and begin again, and take turns sharing our dreams for the vacation?
If the other person expresses a different wish- not to talk, not toplan…here is the choice to connect. Remind yourself of your need for connection.
Switch to their feelings and needs!
1.Observation: Are you saying no because you
2. feel suspicious/tired/overwhelmed ( make a guess). If the guess is really from your heart of connection, not trying to fix or correct them, it won’t cause a break if you get it wrong.
3. Need: Would you like more space and choice about when and how we talk about this?
Request: Would tomorrow at this time work? (Don’t give up on proposing strategies that here their needs and meet yous also!)
Do Over?
If the other person has communicated to you, I don’t care about your feelings….
You take some time to breathe in and feel your heart racing and your stomach churning because you feel so scared when you hear that there is someone who doesn’t care about your own suffering. You feel angry, scared, maybe you want to run away or you hear voices of revenge rising in you.
You keep breathing and taking compassionate care of all the ways these words are triggering for you.
Over time you slowly remember that you have chosen to be in this conversation, this relationship, with this person, to meet your own needs. Maybe this particular relationship is important to you. Maybe you are looking for more hope or connection or understanding, growth or learning, in our world.
You sustain yourself with the energy of these core values that have brought you right here, right now, until you feel some energy of curiosity or interest about the meaning in this person’s heart behind their words.
And you say to them, are you so heartbroken and angry because you want me to hear right now how much you and your people are suffering?
I want to be present with you because I want a world where we can hear and understand each other.
And now you wait and listen, to your own heart and theirs.
Previous publications and videos by Roberta Wall on Tetzaveh:
Collective Actions that Uplift and Enlighten
Torah at the intersection/ What we Can Build Together
Our Actions are Our True Belongings
You shall bring mitzvot into the souls of the children of Israel, so that they themselves become mitzvot: https://torahattheintersection.com/tetzaveh-our-actions-are-our-true-belongings/